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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.